Team Rio Grande for 2013

My apologies for the long hiatus. I’ve just been so busy. If you read that sentence last year you might realize it was a sarcastic statement, but this year is a whole other story. I actually am busy. So busy, in fact, that this post will have to be fairly short, like under 3,000 words. A little over a year ago when I showed up in Boulder, knowing not a soul, who would have guessed that I’d actually be able to make it out here? I mean, I have a place to live that I don’t think I’ll be leaving or getting kicked out of in the next week, I have a job and I don’t foresee my imminent fireing taking place in the next couple months, I recently took out a loan (for ultra sexy bike racing gear, not for a car or some stupid shit like that), and I even have a girlfriend? Sorry, that should have been an exclamation point but all this growing up and domestic security has taken me aback just a little. It’s actually quite nice when I think about it–having a “life” as they say.

But unfortunately it means that I haven’t had that much time to train, and I’m thinking of hanging up my race wheels for the time being. Oh wait, that’s the exact opposite of what I meant to say. Remember, I just signed away my fourth born for that bike gear (the first through the third born were traded for carnitas burritos and it’s safe to say I came out ahead on that one). Nay, I’ve been crushing the pedals with more determination than ever. So far, every year I’ve gotten more excited about racing and training, which means there’s no reason I should stop any time soon. Somehow I’ve found the time to get in 20-27 hours a week on weeks that I’m not sick–more on that NEVER. I’m gonna get sick no matter what so I might as well go hard. So, like most people, I’ve been racking up the Long Fast Distance miles, because who the hell’s idea was it that LSD is good for a sport that requires you to go fast? Shiiiit. Wise Guru Ex-Coach Sam Ginsing, maybe I do need you after all to tell me to take a chill pill and ride slower and less!!

I just received a bunch of warnings about overdoing it and a lot of world class advice on training and human physiology from none other than Andy Pruitt and Neal Henderson, who are two pretty big-time dudes in the cycling world if you don’t recognize the names. Boulder Center for Sports Medicine is sponsoring our team this year, and I’ve already gotten more good advice and help from Andy, Neal and all the people there at BCSM than I deserve. I don’t remember if I ever announced what team I’m racing for next year, so I’m going to put it in the title right now. Okay just did it. Now you know about it. Wait, you knew about it before this since I just put it in the title retroactively. This is sort of like time travel. Anyways the team kicked things off this year with a camp last week, which involved bike fitting, physiology testing, numerous training, racing, physiology, and team-oriented discussions and presentations, and a weekend up in Dr. Pruitt’s and his wife’s (Sue) cabin in the mountains. After a heavy snow the night we got there, we did some snow shoeing, a lot of really good eating, and some skate-skiing, including a biathlon relay. On that note, a terrible tragedy ocured while Scott was taking (poor) aim at one of the targets. Our prayers go out to Nick’s family. He died doing what he loved–shooting guns at V02 max. No just kidding. I feel like I have to say that now after that last post.

Before I go any further, let me introduce the members of…

Team Rio Grande:

Scott Tietzel: Former pro on Jelly Belly, raced with Rio Grande for a couple years in the past, is coming from Juwi Solar last year and works at Curve’s super svelte line of ProTour level clothing. Likes to time trial like a boss and “put the hurt on weak bitch mofos.” (His words not mine).

Aaron Pool: Coming from five years racing in Belgium with the Fuji Test Team. So he speaks like, probably at least six words in Flemish and has evolved a deep hatred of the French (southern region of Belgium). He enjoys eating cheese ( I assume, I mean who the F doesn’t?), living in Vail, and discussing his passionate hatred of capitalism.  His main goal for this season is to “make everyone else hurt so bad they feel like useless human garbage, which they are.”

Colt Peterson (not my brother): Goes to school at CU Boulder, has pierced ears that are studded with what I assume are 30 carrot diamonds, is coming from Team Get Crackin’,  and enjoys hitting on super fine French Canadian  chicks during group rides, even if they’re completely nuts and don’t understand a word he’s saying. When asked about his goals for the season he began foaming at the mouth, growling, and groping his crotch.

Trevor Connor: Team manager and also racer, avid researcher and publisher of things that I find very cool (human physiology, altitude, etc.), climber extrordinare. Hobbies involve staring down opponents on the start line while repeatedly pounding his chest, and “breaking legs and taking names, so that I can find out where they live and break their legs again after they’ve healed.”

Jake Rosenbarger: Formerly of Jittery Joe’s and BMC. Is the real deal, especially at building cakes since he and his wife own the infamous Kim and Jake’s Cakes on Broadway. Personally responsible for giving me the diabeetus over a single weekend, Jake enjoys long walks on the beach and “grinding the bones of my slain opponents to make gluten free flour.”

Nick Bax: Coming from XO Communications, studies biology, has lived east of the Mississippi for some reason, and is an equally terrible skate-skiier as I am. His favorite food is suffering, which he enjoys dishing out in large quantities to random people. Nick told me he just wants to “smash all those pansies like ants,” referring to everyone who’s not on Rio, and also most of us who are on Rio.

Me: Super thin, gaunt, lady’s man climber with an excellent hair cut and refined table manners. Coming from Hagens Berman, enjoys listening to people’s problems and offering sound advice, and also “helping guys get back on after they’ve been dropped. Because no one wants to see someone else in pain or get their feelings hurt.”

As you just read, everyone on the squad sounds like a clinically insane psychopath. So I think we might win some races. It’s a small group, but from what I’ve seen there are no weak links, which means that we’ll all blow up at the same exact same time, which would be pretty amazing if that actually happened to a real metal chain, which I don’t think is even possible, so that was a vastly inaccurate, lie of a metaphor for which I apologize.

The team is solely Colorado-based, with almost all of us living in or about to live in Boulder during the season. Our title Sponsor is the Rio Grande Mexican Restaurant, which has a half dozen locations in Colorado and will be supplying us with the wonderful opportunity to pursue our dreams of racing our bicycles at the professional level…and a delicious burrito now and then. Our other sponsors include:

Boulder Center for Sports Medicine
Specialized
Jose Cuervo
Curve Clothing
Dohn Construction
Peloton Cycles 
Vittoria 
Smith Optics

A super solid list of companies and institutes for which we’re extremely grateful, especially with the disastrous global economic climate and the terrible state cycling is currently in–both problems having been caused by the cheaters the liars and the human scum of the world. Teams are folding, races are disappearing,  and sponsors are fleeing. With all the established pro resumes our director, Trevor, got this year, he could have had one of the top NRC teams, but instead he chose to give some of us “unmade” guys a shot, and none of it would be possible without a lot of money, equipment, and time from the names on the list above. The goal of the team is to develop clean cycling with new riders. A group of better guys to take on the task would have been difficult to find.

On a completely different note, the best quote of the trip came from Nick while speaking to his dad, an expert in proteins, over the phone: “Hi dad, hey I have a question for you. How hot would you have to heat up an apple crumble to kill the rabies virus?” And on that note, I HAVE developed lock jaw in the past couple days. I’m not even kidding about that either. Pictures, videos, more written words, and un-written blank spaces to follow in regards to the team camp and other timely things.

Actually, so you don’t have to wait on me, a lot of video and pics from the team camp can be found here.

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“Like being on the top of a mountain!!!!”

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Thank you Sue and Andy for the great meals!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Nick plodding through Scott’s secret snow shoe trail up to the top of something Peak.

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Scott waiting for his teammate to tag him for one of his three laps. Looking…pro for a skate skier I guess?

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As the second slowest skate-skier, I was teamed up with Colt (above), who was second fastest in the time trail. We lost. We got last place. I blame it all on Colt. One would think he’d be able to shoot, you know, considering his name. (PS I was actually the one who sucked).

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