From the Boston Herald:
Boston, MA– A group of scientists at the Boston Institute of Medical Science issued a statement Monday morning claiming that newly discovered enzymes in clam chowder may have healing properties for the sick and dying. According to their press release, the group of scientists, lead by Franky Stilson and Boby Hendricks, has been studying the chemical make-up of clam and other seafood chowders for over four years. According to the group, enzymes in chowder have successfully beaten an array of cancers, brain abnormalities, and AIDS in multiple orangutan test subjects. “We was pretty astonished at foist when Mr. Banana Hands’ white blood cell count began dropping with only three treatments of clam chowda,” says Hendricks. “But what really made ouwa pencil’s stiff was when he came out of the 33-year comma he’d been in after getting hit by an out of control steam rolla back in 1994.”
Other results have been consistent with those of Mr. Banana Hands. In a controversial study done with hammer-less hammerhead sharks, the Chowda Heads, as the group goes by, have shown that the beneficial enzymes in chowder not only affect mammals, but all other animals as well. “The hamma heads began growing new hammas after approximately 11 days on the chowda supplement. It was simply amazing,” says Stilson. One day they was just sitting theay in the wata not doin nothin, feelin all sad because they didn’t have no hammas, then bout ten days lata, they was hammerin like real pro capenters for houwas with they new hammas. Who woulda guessed that feedin hamma head chowda soup to hamma head shawks would make ’em grow new hammas? Not me, that’s foaw showa.”
The formerly docile hammerheads were released into the wild two weeks ago off the coast of Maine after being fed a farewell lobster chowder bowl at Sammy’s Fish N’ Lobster Shack. None of the hammer heads survived the frigid winter waters, but their hammers remained in tact. “I warned Hendricks and Stilson that releasing them in a frozen Maine harbor would certainly kill them,” says Boston University student and lab hand Brian Wilkinson. “But they didn’t listen to me. They said that a hot bowl of chowda and a pat on the back was all the hammer heads needed.” The scientist’s poor judgment lead to three lab assistants losing their hands, and eight-hundred and seventy-five dead hammerhead sharks that ended up tangled in fishing nets all along the Main coastline. “Fortunately, me Sarah, and Gilbert all regenerated new hands after eating a piping hot bowl of chowda back at the lab,” says Wilkinson. “There’s nothin like a pipin hot hot bowl of chowda with oysta crackas and a bit a Tobasco!”
The chowder enzymes that the group found have been named enzyme C, enzyme H, enzyme O, enzyme W, and co-enzymes D and A. “When chowda is cooked just right,” says Hendricks, “the enzymes come togetha and form a strong bond that enters into your DNA and re-structas damaged cells. Chowda is the new soopa food. And it’s also part of this complete breakfast, lunch and dinner,” says Hendricks.
The group’s article, The Natural Properties of Chowda, will be published in the Science of Soup journal in February. The Chowda Hounds’ findings are under scrutiny of an outside group, which claims that the Chowda Head project was funded solely by The Boston Chowda Company. “I find it hard to believe that chowda is all these guys are crackin it up to be. Sure it’s tasty, but just the other day I ate me a bowl of chowda and I aint no different than I was before I ate it. I still got gout,” says Gary Graymondson, spokesperson for the watchdog group BBB. The BBB (Boston Baked Beans organization) itself has a shady background, according to Hendricks. “Everyone knows those baked bean guys have been after us from the start. Ever since Bostonians started eatin chowda way back in 1349, the baked bean corporations have crafted these ‘watch dog’ groups to run chowda into the ground. It’s a never-ending battle. Why can’t we all just pock ouwa caws at a downtown pub and just have a yegga bomb or two and drop this issue, eh?”
First cannonball chowder bowl given to Mr. Banana Hands.
Mr. Banana Hands enjoying a specially designed banana-shaped bowl of chowder.
A dead hammerhead got tangled in the nets of these Main fishermen after dying on a a thick sheet of harbor ice. Note the length of the hammer.